MyVoiceOurStory

My mother was suffering from mental illness and my brothers and I had to do everything in the house including laundry, cleaning and cooking. My mother was burdened not only by her mental illness but also by our family’s chronic poverty.  I was not able to understand why we weren’t able to live like our peers at school, and blamed my mother for not being provided with things that we needed.  When my mother died, I regretted that I once blamed her for the lack of resources.   

My brothers and I were unable to make living on our own. We were all placed in a child protection facility.  In the beginning, I was confused as to why I had to live in the institution. It was stressful because I had to adjust to living with others.  I wanted to run away from this living arrangement where I found no benefit for myself.  I actually thought about ways to get out of this facility, but on the other hand, knew very well that I was not able to escape from the reality. 

I did not want to have any relationship with staff working at the facility. So, I did not share my personal information with them.  At school, I could not disclose to my classmate about the fact that I was in foster care. I usually came straight home without hanging out with my classmates.  I was afraid of being asked why I was not living with my parents. 

At the facility, middle school youth were being dealt with as if we were high school youth. I was able to relax a little bit for that reason.  I started having conversation with a facility staff member who was assigned to me. He was the only person I was able to relate to. Luckily, he stayed as a staff until I left the facility.   

Since I met this staff, I was beginning to relate to people more. However, there were staff whom I could not easily trust. For example, one staff apparently had a favorite youth, and he seemed less open and friendly to me.    

Since I knew the negative aspect of institutionalized care, I want to tell all parents who are allowing their children to be in child protection facilities that their children are not guaranteed adequate and appropriate living condition in these facilities.  I also want to let these parents know that their children’s lives may be seriously restricted by some staff members and even by young residents. It is shameful if these children and youth are feeling uncomfortable and uncared for.  I certainly did not want to grow up to be like some of these staff in my facility. 

When I became a high school student, I met people who had many different talents—students with superior learning aptitude, terrific athletic abilities, exceptional language skills that enabled them to seek opportunities abroad.  These students seemed confident, and I envied their glorious outlook in their lives. For the first time, I enjoyed the environment around me and felt comfortable being with other people who had goals.  

I started talking to my school mates and hanging out with them. However, there were things that did not change at all.  My classmates frequently bought snacks and drinks after school, and went on trips on their own. I usually told them that I was too busy to hang out with them.  Making up an untruthful excuse like that was not too difficult.  The real difficulty had to with the reality that I was facing as a foster youth.  I needed to move out of the facility after graduating from high school. Therefore, I had to save not only for everyday expenses but also for college education.  

I was shooting for entering a specific college. However, facility staff told me that it would be too difficult to become a student at this college due to the cost. Since my hope of going to this college was gone, I have decided not to study any more. I could not find a reason to study anymore and my grades were starting to drop. As a result, I did not get accepted by the college that I applied for. It was hard for me to have conversations with people again. My high school teacher suggested that I continue to seek higher education.  I seriously reconsidered my life goals once again and decided to dedicate that one year after high school graduation to study specifically for the entrance exam for the college that I wanted to go to. I could not afford college preparation lessons.  I went to a small preparation school that offered free classes.  Around that time, I moved from the child protection facility to an Independent Support Home (ISH).  

I needed to pay fees to the ISH. I was not feeling stressed at all at the home because staff were very supportive, and more than anything else, I liked the ability to earn own money from a part time job and to see my own future.  

ISH staff members often became my consultants and listened to my wishes and plans for the future.  I knew that no one was able to help me financially.  I knew from the very beginning that I had to take student loans to go to college.  The ISH staff tried to find ways to reduce my loan amount with me.  

After one year of studying and working, I was not able to get into the school of my first choice. However, I became a special scholar with all tuitions waived at the college that I am going to.  My life feels very fulfilling right now.  My transition was the period in which I thought very hard about my own future.  After leaving the child protection facility, I lost all my security. I needed to think about how I could become independent. My mind has cleared by being decisive about my academic future.  

K’s Bio: https://myvoiceourstory.org/members/koki/